Let thy will be done

I write this with a heavy heart. A heart of confusion and in need. Life is so crazy right now. Since returning home from Uganda in January, I immediately started thinking about when I would head back...no surprise there, right? As I got back into the swing of things, I began realizing that the truth might just be that God does not have it in his plan for me to go back this summer. I started nursing school and quickly realized the commitment in it. Time. Energy. Lack of social life. And, as I began adjusting to this new way of life, I told myself that I really didn't think I would go back this summer, simply for the reason of there is no way I will have the time to raise and save the money to go. I had decided I had made my decision. But, I didn't realize the post emotional effect it would have on me. My heart began to hurt and long to be back. I found myself looking at pictures over and over again. I questioned whether I was doing the right thing.I have been wrestling with this for a while. And, in the past week, it has really taken hold of me. Reminders of Uganda were everywhere...in things people would say, in songs I heard, in a book I am reading, etc. I don't know why, but I just kept thinking...maybe I am wrong. Maybe, I made the decision without truly asking God to show me His will. So, thats where I'm at.... in limbo of some sorts. confused. You know, I say I need to see God open doors for clarification, but the truth is doors are open. Wide open, actually. So, why am I afraid to walk through? Money, perhaps. I need a job this summer, perhaps. I just can't do it, perhaps. But, when I think about the root in those excuses, it really comes down to....it's all about me. I think when we find ourselves in situations that are all about us...we miss out on the BIG, EXCITING things God does because it's all about Him. So, the question remains....what will I do? Wait, scratch that. What will God do? Please pray for me as I beg God to show me His way. Not mine.