Complacency: feeling of quiet pleasure or security.
I am complacent. And, I hate it. I long for more. I believe I was created for more than I am living. I believe that God looked ahead and created me. Placed me here on this earth April 7, 1993 to be His. I believe I was destined for greatness. For a higher greatness than I could ever imagine myself. But, how do I get there? I don't want to simply live. I want to live umcomfortably and insecure depending solely on my Savior. Sometimes I think....how much more my heart would be filled if ALL I had was Jesus. If everyday I woke up and looked around me and saw emptiness. But then looked up and saw the sun shining bright and felt the love of my Father. I have been reading Kisses from Katie which is about a girl who gave up everything to move to Uganda. She talks a lot in her book about how people there have nothing but still worship God faithfully everyday. They're happy and filled with joy. As I write this I long for emptiness. Sometimes I feel like the "things" I have in my life too often separate me from Jesus. Why is this the case? I think it is because I forget where my blessings come from. I forget to acknowledge that everything I am and have is from Him who graciously placed me where I am. I have multiple idols in my life. I have my phone, my friends, my clothes. And, I so often think I NEED them. I cannot live my life WITHOUT them. But, right now, in this moment, I am begging God to let me see through the eyes of one with nothing. One who is like a sparrow and has to depend on God to bring it food. I look at our country, and I see it pushing God out. That scares me tremendously. I believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that we live in wealth here. We are not dying of hunger or living without water. We have doctors and cures for disease. Do we really need God? I look at this and want to run. I want to run to where all there is is God. I am so easily distracted by materialism. It's a struggle everyday that I can no longer deny. Everyday I have a battle between my possessions and God. So, now humbly I come and ask God to show me what it is like to love Him whole heartedly not because of what He has given me, but because I have nothing.
I am excited to see and experience this this summer in Uganda. I will travel to a place I have never been without my cell phone. Without my parents. Without my life here. I will make decisions on my own, and I will see things I have never seen before. I will look at children who are without shoes, whose parents have run or died, who can't afford school, and they will be smiling. We will laugh together, and I will hug them close. We will dance and sing. And I will love them. I seriously cannot wait. I cannot wait to be separated from the distractions of the life I have here in my comfortable bed in my secure home. I want to be adventurous and daring. I want to walk somewhere where I have no idea where it will lead me. I want to try new things. I want to follow behind the feet of those who have nothing. And I want to serve them. I want to for ten days give everything inside me to love on those I encounter. I want to do away with complacency. Lord, shake my life. Open my eyes to what it is like to only truly have you. Allow me to share my heart with everyone around me. And most of all help me to remember that with you ALL things are possible.
When I think about my time in Uganda, I feel two emotions. One, scared out of my mind. And two, excited beyond belief. Both of these are because of the same reason. I am scared because I am afraid I am going to go there and never want to return to my home. I fear that I will want to call Uganda home, and that the call that has been poking at me for years will become my reality. That I will no longer have an excuse. BUT, I am also very excited about this. I know how extremely awesome my God is, and I cannot wait to see where he places me in life. I choose to go where He leads because He has shown me that He is good. He makes things that are broken beautiful.
I am a beautiful mess. I am His. He called me, and I answered. But, everyday I struggle to pick up my cross and follow Him. And everyday, I fail. I pick up my cell phone instead. Or, I depend on a friend for security. I lose sight of Him. I am amazed that even though I walk away, He still continues to call my name and hold out His hand to me. He picks me up as I continue to fall, and He reminds me that He loves me. I was reading in John 1 the other day where it says, "He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize Him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him." (John 1:10-11) I struggle with why He wanted to save that which rejected Him. I've thought about this so much and part of me can't even wrap my head around it. But, I am no longer blind, and God helps me to understand. It is because WE ARE HIS. If I lost something that I loved, I would do everything in my power to get it back. I would seek it out until I couldn't anymore. That is what God does with me every day. This blows my mind. My heart is so thankful.
Do you live a complacent life? Do you depend on things you can see and touch everyday? I do too often. I am an on going mess who just can't seem to get myself together. But, the great thing is I can't fix me, and I never will be able to. Rid me of myself, dear Lord.
"I was forever ruined for comfort, convenience, and luxury, preferring instead challenge, sacrifice, and risking everything to do something I believed in." -Katie Davis
