The Conflicted Heart

Ever since I've been home from Uganda, I simply cannot stop thinking about what I've seen and experienced. The last time I was this conflicted with thoughts was during a heartbreak, so this can only mean one thing: my heart is broken. This sounds so cheesy and cliche, but it's amazing how much love I can have for these little children I knew for one day, two days, and if I was lucky, three. And to have this big of a love and be deprived to keep giving it is heart wrenching. I knew that I would have such a great time, but never did I think I would come home and constantly be thinking about where I want to call home. Thinking about the hard way of life I would have if I completely changed my surroundings. I just never imagined that I truly would want to move there. I would jokingly say it out loud but these feelings I have are not a joke. Being in this position is so hard. It's hard because I really have no idea what is in the future for me. It scares me because God calls us to live uncomfortably. He doesn't say it will be easy, but He promises never to leave. And although I hold on to this hope and believe it, I can't help but to think what I might have to give up if I choose this lifestyle. The dream of falling in love or having my own children one day. Being a mom is something I have been excited about my whole life. But what if i completely changed my life around? What would happen to these dreams? I know it sounds selfish but it's my struggle right now. My selfishness. What I have seen is not something that I can walk away from. Leaving the different ministries was hard, but honestly, when I would leave I would always tell myself this is not goodbye, but see you later. It was a consistent thought that just kept popping up in my head.  I can bring hope by Gods grace. I can bring love to those who don't have that earthly. I have always really deep down longed to know what it felt like to have to completely rely on the Lord for life. To not know that the next day everything I needed would be right in front of me. I know this seems weird but I so earnestly want to be as close to my Savior as I can, and my life so easily pulls me from Him. I feel and I know it. I get so caught up in my materialism here and when I do this, I am missing the overflow of joy from trusting in the Lord. But, while in Uganda, I saw this in the people. I saw them having nothing but being satisfied because of their strong faith in God. They hear Him and they are so joyful to know Him and so thankful for His provision. I found myself envious. I want that relationship with God! I want to have nothing and everyday be a miracle from God! We miss this so much in America! I'm not saying by any means that living in America is not good. It's great. I just long for more. I don't want to live comfortably because then I'm too comfortable to do the hard things. I don't want to live easily being able to get things I need. I want to have to pray and pray and pray and believe in God to provide. I believe in the sovereignty of God which is why I know my friends in Uganda are okay. Yes, they don't have near as much as I do here, but they find contentment in it with Gods help. Yes, there is pain, but God wipes their tears away and replaces it with happiness. They truly get it because they are completely transformed. Something that I have missed because I am distracted. I am not saying that I am moving to Uganda. I am not saying that I don't want to live here. I'm just simply conflicted in what God has planned for me. I also recognize that in America, there are a lot of needs as well. Which I want God to completely use me no matter where on the map I am. But I also believe God calls certain people to minister in other areas of the world. When I was in 8th grade, my parents went to Africa. They came home and told me stories of it, and in my head I was drawn to it. Since then, every time I would hear about work being done there, I would be interested and pulled in. I would sit and do research and learn as much about doing ministry over there as i could. My heart would get so excited and I knew one day I would go on a mission trip there. But maybe God wants more from me. I know He is good and I believe He is who He says He is. But, the unknown is scary. Because, I just might live in Uganda one day. And that scares me. Or I just might live in America and take short trips to this place I love. And that scares me. But, I am choosing to live as my dear friends there live. I am choosing to walk by faith. I don't know where my path will take me, but I will conquer my fear of taking leaps of faith because the leap I took to Uganda just might forever change my life in a way I never would have thought possible. And just maybe my blessings will turn from material blessings to the deep heart felt blessings received from simply saying, "Yes. I will go. I will love. I will trust. And, I will believe."

I can't. He can.

All day long, I have been saying I can't wait to be in my home and then I pull in my driveway and my heart sinks. I'll admit, different times while I was gone, I missed my culture. I missed my hot shower, good food, and comfort living situation, but now that I have it, my heart is aching. I did not think I would be effected this bad. My dad got me chick fil a by request but when it was put in front of me, I ate two bites and was full. While my sister prayed over our food, without even realizing it, I lost it. I started bawling uncontrollably. I love my home, but I can't help but to feel a part of me missing. All I want to do is walk outside and wrap my kids in my arms, but I can't. And this kills me. I miss the people. I miss the joy. I miss the love. I miss Uganda. I miss the way my hand was always held and the way a hug was received every minute. I miss how much a little smile from my face made a child's day. I miss the excitement from people as muZungos drive by. I miss the way I was dirty and didn't even care. I miss singing songs with my new family. I miss seeing the real faith all around me. I miss the physical dependency of God. I miss my life in Uganda and I miss the void that it filled in my heart. I'm in need of prayers as I wrestle with God as to why I'm sitting on my comfortable bed so far from the place I fell in love with. Pray for my strength as I patiently wait on God to lead me wherever He wants me. Pray for the culture shock and that I would never forgot I serve a God who is all powerful and has every person I fell in love with wrapped up in His arms. Pray that I would never forget all that He has taught me about His love and pray that I would never cease thanking Him for allowing me to do His will and serve Him in a country that has forever changed me and that I have truly fallen in love with. I need strength. I need peace. I need comfort. I can't. He can.

Last night in Uganda

Spending our last few days at Canaan's was really awesome. Canaan's is run by Pastor Isaac whose son runs Kerith where we were the other day. I have been hanging out with some older girls here for a lot of my time because the little kids get a lot more attention that the older. The three girls I have gotten to know are Caroline, Angela, and Nancy who are all 11. And Vivian who is 6. They are sweet sweet girls who make me giggle so much. I also got to know Mayi Esther my sponsor child. It's really neat to get to love on her. This other little girl Ruthie had the most adorable little spirit and I was instantly drawn to her when we began making faces at each other. She had this sassy little attitude that was so cute. 

Last night was really hard because it was the last evening  I would watch the sunset in Uganda. The last time for a while I would lay eyes on the bright moon in the country that has captured my heart. I walked around just looking at the children and I couldn't help but to feel happy because even though I knew I would be leaving tomorrow, I was there in that moment leaving my mark on their little lives. I am so thankful God orchestrated this trip for me. I never imagined the impact it would have on me. My little Vivian held on to my hand tight last night. I think she knew I would be leaving today. I held her in my eyes and a group of us worshiped. Singing is my favorite form of worship because it really lifts my spirit high. It's in the moments of lifting my voice to God that I have felt the closest to Him and that I have felt His presence the most. So as I watched many children singing these songs to God, I couldn't help but to just be glad. Glad to be here. In that very moment. Witnessing the reason we were created. Vivian has such a beautiful voice. My favorite memories of us are singing together. That's the first memory we had and many more followed. 

This morning was difficult. It is very hard knowing you will be saying goodbye in just a short couple of hours. Vivian hugged me and embraced me for as long as she could. And little Ruthie sat in my lap touching my face and making her goofy faces with me. As I walked unto the bus and got my seat, I stuck my hand out the window and without fail, there was Vivian to hold it tight. I looked down and saw her sad face and it broke my heart. Now I know I have to return whether it be short or long term, I will be back. As the bus pulled away, this little girl ran after it. So sweet. I think we all were struck with sadness. While driving to the airport, I was aching inside because of all I was leaving here. But, as I was staring out the window at everything around me, I heard God say, "you have done my work. You may be leaving, but I will remain. My love is with these people and children and I have them in my hand." What comfort! What I have experienced is incredible, but I know that this is not the end. I am always Called to love. Whether that be in Uganda or Memphis or Johnson City, I will share God's love and my heart will be full. The same smiles I love to see here, I will see in America because people crave love. And if I do as God calls me, then my heart will never be emptied. It will only continue to grow. I am excited too see what is next. God keeps surprising me with more plans for me than I ever thought possible. My Papoo always tells me I was created for greatness. That it was destined. What hope!

Blessed

I am a testimony that we serve an incredible God who answers prayer. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't believe it when I did not feel an inch of achiness or sickness. I thought I was dreaming. But thankfully I was not and God is so incredible. Today was probably the most emotional day we've had. Our team split up into two teams and each spent half a day at sangaalo baby home and half the day at Akisa. My team went to the baby home and whew! My heart exploded! I love little babies. I have always been a baby person... Well really I just love kids. Sometimes I feel as though I would just rather be around children more than adults all day long. But anyways, the babies were so sweet. The home is run by this incredible woman named Demily. I have never met a stronger woman in my life. I wish I could type out her story but I am afraid it would be way too long. She is so faithful. She felt God calling her towards babies as a young girl and eventually felt God calling her to open up her home to babies who needed care. In the home now are 13 babies plus her children. She says her calling is to either nurse these babies back to health or to health in glory. Amazing. I just fell in love with these two twin babies named Sara and Semily. Theyre mother has hiv and will die soon so she left them with their father who abandoned them bc of fear that they might have it too. How one could abandon those bundles of joy is beyond my belief. They had the cutest Afros and sweetest smiles. I didn't know it was possible to fall in love with so many children but after this trip, my list is long! I know without a doubt now, that I will adopt one day and I encourage everyone to consider it. To know how much I have in comparison to what They have makes me want to share all of my blessings. I now feel like God allows some to have more so that can overflow that into the lives of others. I saw a statistic once that said that if 6% of all the people in the world who claim to be Christians adopted one child, every orphan would be cared for. 6%. I could preach about that for hours but just a little food for thought. After the baby home we went to Akisa which is a disabled children's home. This was extremely hard. It hits how blessed you are to be healthy an well. And to think I was complaining a stomach bug 24 hours ago. What was so special about these children is their joy. This one little boy had an inflamed head full of fluid from swelling of the brain but his smile and laugh was adorable. Everything I would say he would repeat with a huge grin. To see so many kids not be able to walk, not be able to talk, not be able to feed themselves is hard but I am reminded of the verse that says, "I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." God does not make mistakes when He creates His children. These children are special and most certainly not hopeless. Their earthly bodies may be disabled but they will be perfect in Heaven one day and I look forward to walk with my little Isaiah and all those other sweet little children one day in Heaven. We ended the night at our final destination before heading home on Tuesday at Canaan's Children's Home. I met my sponsor child tonight along with many other new friends. There will be great stories to come.

I Can Only Imagine

I lay in bed tonight sick. I have a sore throat. I have the chills. I can't breathe well. My bed is infested with bugs. My shower was freezing. And all the while as I lay complaining to God about my little problems, He lays his hand on me. I feel His presence. I'm comforted by His love. And all of a sudden, I find myself thankful for hitting a low point because it's in these moments that I remember that God has His children in His hands. He has me in his hands. He has the hundreds of little kids I have seen in His hands.  I decide to put my iPod in to help give me peace. I have it on shuffle and all of a sudden the instrumental to I Can Only Imagine comes on. Once again, I'm caught up with emotion ( this is gonna have to stop or I will be all dried out for at least a year....the chances aren't looking good).  This song is really special to me because it is the song they played at my aunt's funeral. Ever since I heard it that day as a sixth grade little girl, I remember life. I remember the life my aunt had and although I wasnt old enough to truly know her, I hear stories all the time in Johnson City of the lives she has touched. And although I was too young to remember much, I find myself hoping to impact as she did. So as I listen to this song, I can't help but to think how much I have seen a glimpse of heaven since the second I first looked into these beautiful little people. I sit here and reflect. I begin learning from the little moments I experienced today.  The moment where I looked out and a hundred children are praising God. A hundred children have dirty feet with no shoes, torn clothes, Disabilities, and cuts and they are all lifting their voices up to God in gladness. See in this moment, I realize these children know Jesus. They know Him in a way most people never will here on Earth. They love Him and I'm the one who needs to be reminded. Im the one who doesn't get it. They have nothing, but yet they know they are precious. I have everything and more than I would ever need, and I'm still unsatisfied. Im wrapped up in my little "me" bubble that is beginning to pop. I'm slowly truly beginning to understand that Jesus is enough. That He will sustain me. I lay here sick, but yet because of these little children I feel blessed. I feel God drawing me into him, healing me. Not only physically but spiritually. The pastor at Royal Hope said something that has stuck with me ever since we were there. After the choir sang, he said they were saying, "God I want to be where you are." They would rather risk the little they have just to be with God. And yet I just want these bugs crawling on me to disappear as if that's my biggest concern. Praise the Lord for beautiful little children in Uganda to put me in my place. And that I am reminded of the hope that one day I will be well and these children will have no more worries and we will all be praising God with the same spirit. O how I can only imagine. July 26,2012 Today we left pallisa and drove 3 hours to the Haven in Jinja. Today has been awful. I have felt sick all day. Last night, I was sick to my stomach and after throwing up thought I had just eaten something that didn't settle well in my stomach. But, I have felt sick today as well, so all day I have been taking medications. I didnt sleep more than 45 minutes at a time last night, so Im also exhausted. I am not complaining because I am strong. I can handle this. But, when we go to Canaan Childrens Home tomorrow, I want to feel "me" again. I don't want to feel achy or nautious all day again. I believe in the power of prayer and God hears the prayer I said all last night and today. Whatever is going on with me will get better, and I will give my whole healthy self to loving on kids tomorrow. Pray that I will get well and that whatever I have will not pass to anyone else. And, no worries. I'm in the Lord's hands and there is no safer place to be. And mom, I kept thinking about you last night and wished I was close to you because when you lay hands on me and pray over me, I feel extra comforted.... I guess I'm just all grown up now. Love you all. 

Royal Hope Academy

Waking up after a night at Return ministries was like a dream. I kept replaying it in my head because I never wanted to forget it. My first encounter with children in Uganda will always hold a special place in my heart.  The food they serve us at the hotel is actually pretty good. We've eaten a lot of carbs like rice and bread and noodles. I'm pretty sure the meat I ate yesterday was goat. It was really chewy so I didn't eat much of it. They serve a lot of fruit though which is delicious. Our sleeping conditions were probably the best we'll have the whole trip. I was in a room with Niki. We each had our own small bed. Our room had a bathroom in it. The toilet didn't flush and the shower just landed on the ground with no curtain or anything. They also gave us a small basin to bathe in if we liked. It was very interesting. After breakfast yesterday, we left to go to Royal Hope Academy. The main road is paved a little but then we turn down red dirt roads. You see lots of people with stuff on their heads  just walking around. The houses and buildings are really rough. We pulled up to this gate and at once 200 children came running through singing " Welcome to Uganda. This is Africa!" I remember looking at them and they all have dirty feet and torn clothes but then I look up and see their faces and they are shining with happiness. It really put me into perspective of my life. These children have nothing really but yet they are so content and happy. I didn't really understand it until later, but I'll get there. The second you get off you have a few children that come up to you and claim you as their muzungu. I had two little girls grab hold of me. One was older about seven or eight. Her name was "bushes". Or that's how I understood it. She was very protective of me and all day long wanted to hold my hand and not let anyone else. I had to explain to her that I could be shared and she gave me this frustrating look that was actually quite adorable. The other little girl was I think around two. She was so tiny. I could never quite understand her name, but I know her face. I know her smile and I know how bright her eyes get when she looks up at me and I smile at her and she nervously smiles back. She was very timid at first but she crawled up in my lap and would just sit there holding my other hand. Okay I'm getting ahead of myself... We got off the bus and were brought to this chapel. The pastor got up and welcomed us. The school was started by a girl named Rebekah who is American and young 20s. Her story is very similar to Katie Davis'. We never got to meet her because she has maleria. Which she needs lots of prayers! But we all believe the Lord will restore her health. After the welcome, the kids choir came up and sang and danced. It was so sweet. But, what captured me the most and what I was talking about earlier is how they worship. To see a hundred kids raising hands and kneeling in prayer really convicted me. These kids' ages can range anywhere from two to high school age, and they all worship so passionately. At one point, the song stopped and you could hear hundreds of children lifting up prayers to God. It was truly inspiring in every way. I sat with these two girls on my lap just in awe of their hearts for God. They sang and danced for about two hours, and the whole time they are praising God wholeheartedly. It's amazing. As we were watching this, one of the girls fell asleep in my lap. My friend Lauren said its incredible to think how few times they have probably slept in someone's arms. I have videos I'll post later of the worship when I have better wifi. After the worship, we went outside and played in their courtyard by the school. I got in a circle with some of the kids and played this dancing game. They laughed at me in the middle when it was my turn to sing and dance and I had no idea what they were saying so made up my own words :) I did learn a lesson though when it came to handing out stickers. I brought out some to a few kids and the next thing I knew I was being attacked by what seemed like a mob haha but with help, I was able to manage. After this, we split up into groups. I helped the little kids color and then painted their nails. After their nails were painted, they would jump up and down with their hands waving photo photo. They were so proud of their colorful nails. The rest of the day was filled with lots of hugs and pictures. This one boy handed me a baby then ran off. It was interesting when this lady said just put him down someone will help him find his way. I could go on for hours with stories but I will refrain. We are traveling five hours today to Kerith Ministries. God has been so good! My heart continues to be filled just when I think it might overflow. :)  Love, one happy MUZUNGU! :)

The Night I fell in love with Uganda....

I was in the country for three hours and already in love with it... I just had the most incredible night that I don't even know how I am going to find the words to do it justice. We made it to Entebbe, Uganda after a day of travel. The bus ride from the airport to our hotel was about 45 minutes, and I'm pretty sure everyone was falling asleep.  When we arrived, our team leaders gave each individual the option to either stay and rest or go to Return ministries. My whole body was screaming rest while my heart was telling me to go and love. I am so glad that my heart can overcome my weariness because after a night like tonight, I feel so full of joy and happiness.  I knew I would love loving on the kids but I did not know how much emotion I would have and how much I would never want to leave.  Return ministries is a place for kids in the community to come and learn, worship, pray, and play. Pastor Samuel started it and is the sweetest man. He explained that most kids there do not have fathers. Most of their fathers abandoned them, so they are left with just their mothers.  As we pulled up, all I could hear were screams of excitement from tons of children. As I began to see faces with the screams, my eyes started tearing up uncontrollably. They all were jumping up and down saying welcome welcome! I got off the bus with tears streaming down my face. At once, at least 100 kids were hugging and jumping on my team and I.  We only had time to stay for about an hour, but it was truly the best hour. The kids and I played ball and danced. They were so excited to show me a kitten they had found. Every child around me was touching me whether it just be a small little finger. They all are screaming photo photo! They love to have their picture taken and then to see it. I did not want to leave. When you start saying bye, they all run up and hug you and say thank you for coming! Pulling away was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. It's amazing how much one person can mean to them. How much me, Caroline Flippin, can make hundreds of children around me smile with joy.  Driving around Kampala is so neat. It is so different here. You can see the poorness all around you, but as I watched the people as we drove by, there was nowhere else I'd rather be. The Ugandans are walking everywhere, and there are lots of motorcycles. The driving is crazy and especially since they drive on the opposite side of the road as us. The other cars on the road literally drive right next to you that I was afraid to even stick my hand out the window. But the people smile at you as you go by and the children wave and scream "muzungu!" which means white person. As we were driving we passed a herd of cattle just walking on the road  which I thought was hilarious. I couldn't have asked for a better first day! Favorites from the day: - As we were driving to Return, I passed a teenage girl who had this really sad face. I looked at her and smiled and waved and she got the biggest grin on her face. Melted my heart. - This little girl named Vanessa grabbed hold of me the second I got off the bus at Return and would not let go of me the whole time. She admired the green bracelet I had on my wrist. She kept saying "I want!" But, we're not allowed to single them out and give them things, so we decided that it would be a memory bracelet, and the memories her and I had would be in the bracelet and everytime I looked at it, I would remember her. - This other little girl who was no more than one had her shoeless foot stepped on, and she just crawled in my lap and laid her head on my chest and cried. So sweet.  That is all for today. My heart is overwhelmed, and I can't imagine what else God has in store. Tonight, I will fall asleep smiling :)